Impure Thoughts #15: 9 Tips on How to Drive in Maine

Impure Thoughts #15: 9 Tips on How to Drive in Maine

Impure Thoughts #15: 9 Tips on How to Drive in Maine.


The following article is meant to inform my fellow truck drivers about driving in Maine. Maine is a very special place all it’s own, and as such needs to be driven differently than say, Nebraska where one might actually be able to achieve a decent speed. This will not happen once leaving the interstate in Maine, so forget it.


And with that, here are 9 Tips on How to Drive in Maine:

1) Don’t.

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Failing that, here are some more tips:

2) US Rt 1 is everywhere. But that’s not the exit you need. Enjoy your tour of downtown (Portland, Kittery, Freeport, Bath, etc, etc). Hopefully you find a relatively harmless way of getting back to the US rt 1 you need.

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3) Anyone driving a Subaru is probably a lesbian, and anyone driving a Prius is probably gay. You will see many of both of these models. Also you will see many Saabs. Those are yuppies, and probably a Masshole.

4) All three are liberal democrats. Adjust your driving techniques accordingly.

5) The speed limit on the Maine Turnpike is 65 mph. In Mainese this translates to roughly 153 miles an hour. Slower traffic keep right please.

6) Do not, under and circumstances drink Moxie.

7) You will not see Stephen King. He spends a lot of time in Florida now, probably escaping Massholes, or at least trading them for transplanted Jews from New York.

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Either way, he’s in Florida. And do you really want to be the inspiration for his next story? Because you might just be. Probably best to leave him alone anyway. Wave kindly and move on shtrangeahh.


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8) Do not ask locals if they have seen Stephen King. They may just gang up, hold you down and make you drink Moxie.



9) You still cannot afford lobster.
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